How to Get Rich Enough to Pay For Your Horses
My dog ate a blueberry off the floor and this happened. Then a bunch of people told me to stop feeding him blueberries.
HOW TO GET RICH ENOUGH TO PAY FOR YOUR HORSES
Every time my dad or someone else would complain about my horse bills when I was young my mom would say, “It’s cheaper than rehab!” but yeah, I don’t think that’s entirely true. How expensive things can get with horses is probably on my mind because I’m in the middle of filing taxes, and adding up all my expenses makes me want to simultaneously puke, laugh hysterically, and desperately explore ways of adding income to my vet bill-ridden account.
So here are some ways to beef up your bank account so you can then immediately transfer the money to someone else, like your trainer or farrier!
1. Take a tip from Jean-Ralphio (from Parks & Rec) and make money the old-fashioned way.
2. Participate in drug or makeup human trials. You should be taking medicine for that broken wrist/torn ACL/dislocated shoulder anyway, and heaven knows your face hasn’t seen makeup since your friend put lipstick and blue eyeshadow on you at Pony Camp in 1995.
3. Try to get Instagram famous. Become so obsessed with posting that you don’t have time to ride anymore. Problem solved!
4. Pick up odd jobs at the barn, like clipping horses for people. You already do that? How about grooming or tacking up? Yeah? Feeding? Ok. Blanket repair and cleaning? Oh, wow. Ok, try teaching kid or beginner lessons. You do that too? Tack cleaning? WHEN DO YOU SLEEP??
Or more.
5. Rob a bank, but make sure you have an accomplice that can run faster than you to do the actual running, leaving you to drive the getaway car. That limp from when you got bucked off last week is still noticeable. And no, your old Ford with the hay in the back, one mirror torn off, “Mr. Ed for President” bumper sticker, and 2 dogs living in the cab is not an inconspicuous getaway car.
They almost made it!
6. Get involved with an MLM, invest tons of your personal income at the promise of “independent wealth”, waste every waking moment of your life trying to sell “product”, leverage your friendships and relationships trying to get other people to waste their money so you can earn back some of your money… oh wait! Sorry, we were talking about ways to MAKE money, not flush it down the toilet. My bad!
It’s not a pyramid scheme.
7. If you have multiple horses, sell one of them to have more money for the others. While you’re at it, cut off your arm and sell it too!
